I love television. I used to feel guilty saying that- but I just don’t anymore. TV is great (and generally the only thing I have energy for after my kids go to bed). Sometimes I watch things like Wednesday to escape reality,
sometimes I rewatch shows I know really well because it makes me feel safe1,
and sometimes I watch stuff like Fleishman Is In Trouble2 because I heard it was good and give it a shot but oh my - this is kind of a lot and also I can’t look away because it feels important.
In Fleishman, there was a recurring theme around the idea of being on a plane and putting on your own oxygen mask before helping anyone else. They scrutinized whether the mother’s3 choices were selfish or self-care before eventually retelling the whole story from her perspective. (This has been done before, but I don’t think anyone has ever executed it as beautifully as they did…I digress.)
For weeks I’ve been sitting with the question of whether or not the oxygen mask philosophy applies to every day life. As a mom, do I prioritize my needs over my children or simply do what I can for myself when I’m done doing all the things for them? At what point in our evening routine of homework, dinner, showers, laundry, reading time, and backpack loading do I consider my own wellbeing? Is it selfish to take care of myself or have I just been conditioned to think that sacrificing myself on the altar of motherhood is sacred?
Honestly, I have no idea. Somewhere between martyrdom and abandonment is the right balance. After ruminating on this I decided the better question to ask is WHY? Why do I have to choose whether or not I get an oxygen mask?
The only answer I’ve come up with is that parents in general (& us specifically) are desperately lacking support. Our society is still largely built on a family framework that does not fit our present reality. Most families don’t have one parent at home whose sole job is to care for children and run the house. We are exhausted and struggling and one more email asking us to plan 5 outfits for dress up week may just send us over the edge. Of course, financial status compounds these issues but even Claire Danes’ character in Fleishman (who was wealthy and had paid support at home) struggled to meet the demands of parenthood and take care of her own health.
If you’re a parent who is struggling with all the things- I see you. You are doing what you can - and you deserve support. If you are not a parent or your children are grown and you’re in the proximity of parents with kids at home - ask them what support they need. (They probably don’t have time to ask for it themselves).
Last week I went to the doctor after a year of foot pain and discovered I have heel spurs. I also got referrals for a sleep apnea clinic, therapy, and a prescription for Wellbutrin because after months of saying, “this is all too much” I finally put on my damn oxygen mask.
10/10 recommend.
Schitt’s Creek has been my security blankets for 3+ years.
there’s A LOT of sexy time in that first episode so you’ve been warned.
played by Clare Danes to PERFECTION.