Grief is Weird

thoughts on the eve of the worst day of my life

Remember that scene in Miss Congeniality where Captain Kirk asks the contestant to describe her perfect date and she says, “April 25 - because it’s not too hot, not too cold, all you need is a light jacket”? (I have never not laughed at that scene.)

For me, March 3rd is the opposite. Despite being Hinamatsuri (Happy Girls’ Day!) and my dear cousin Sarah’s birthday- it is the anniversary of the worst day of my life. On March 3, 2010 my cousin and BFF Brandon died very unexpectedly. Every year from the end of February til about March 8th- I get in a funk.

The weird thing is that because of everything going on in the world in the past couple weeks…years? this year feels like everyone has joined me in my ‘worst day’ funk.

And, I hate to say it, but it’s kind of comforting.

Don’t misunderstand- I’m not happy there is a war or that legislators keep finding ways to hate people who just want to live their lives. I wish we were not surrounded by so much chaos and heartbreak. At the same time, one of the hardest parts of grief is how incredibly lonely it is. Everyone around you is going on with life as normal and you’re walking around with your guts hanging on the outside of your body and are somehow supposed to make small talk at the water cooler even though you just want to scream “THIS AWFUL THING HAPPENED AND I AM STILL SAD AND ANGRY ABOUT IT!” And right now, because it feels like everyone is grieving, my funk is not out of place and no one expects me to be anything other than what I am. *audible sigh of relief*

Friends, whether in this time of collective grief, or some other when it doesn’t feel like the whole world is on fire, you do not have to carry your grief alone. You don’t have to hide it or make other people feel okay about it. Grief is weird and inconvenient and meanders like a mom in Target alone- because it is, in the words of Vision, “love persevering.” And there is always room for that.