The silent part of naming my Substack ‘Big Feelings’ is an inside joke with myself that I’ve decided to let you in on. Everything I say comes with the lens of being a big girl in a world that is always trying to make me be smaller, feel less, and just be easier for everyone else to handle.
But I’m (almost) 42 and that is not my job. I have a loud laugh, big feelings, and an even bigger a$$, so in the words of Elyse Myers, if I’m too much for you- go find less.
I was 8 or 9 the first time someone called me fat. I cried and the boys I went to church with saw this soft spot and exploited it every time they saw me for the next 6 years. The thing about being called names repeatedly is that you start to believe them, regardless of their truth or even who is saying them. It didn’t matter what I actually looked like because every Sunday morning, Sunday night, Wednesday night and revival week, this group of boys called me fat and I believed them.
I moved far away from those boys at the end of 8th grade but the damage was done. I was fat and unlovable and I would try to prove them wrong by chasing boys who would never love me because I (thought I) was fat.
The things I’ve done to my body over the years to punish her for being too big and the ways people praised me during those few years when I was smaller just make me sad now. Sometimes when I think about it I cry but not because I’m fat. I cry because of how many times I believed I was unlovable because I’m bigger, louder, and all around more than is acceptable.
I want to live in a world where our daughters don’t have to shrink to fit in. Where they can be as big and loud and expressive as they want and never question how lovable they are.
Don’t you?
ps, this is not a cry for help and if you try to sell me weight loss nonsense I will block you. k thanks byeeeeee
This hit hard as I went through the same thing (at the same church). At 44 years old I am just now getting to the point of beginning to accept that I don’t have to look a certain way to be loved (contrary to how I was made to feel growing up and into adulthood). Thank you for sharing. Love you.